So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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