I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
