I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Randomize
