i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
