You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Just pee around me
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Randomize
