Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Randomize
