so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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