Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
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