On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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