hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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