I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Randomize
