I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Randomize
