I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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