Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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