remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Randomize
