I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
