Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Randomize
