you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Randomize
