We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Randomize
