dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
