Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
