no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
there is glitter all over my balls
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
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