if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
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I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
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THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
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