I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
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So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
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You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
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