Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
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