I saw his package. It spoke to me.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
