I feel like I'm in dance class right now
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
