one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
