Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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