I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
