my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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