After last night, I could never be a politician.
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
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Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
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I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
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