I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
