That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
