There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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