It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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