my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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