Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
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