We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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