So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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