Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Randomize
