The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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