i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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