I wish I could teleport
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Randomize
