just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Randomize
