my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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