There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
