at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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