Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
