I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
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he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
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The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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