Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
