took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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