I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
