"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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