I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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