I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
