My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
19 Cringe-worthy Bachelorette Party Texts
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
The 23 Worst Things That Have Happened After a One Night Stand
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening