I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
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just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
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Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Everclear isn't food dammit