last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
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Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
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if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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