so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
