If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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